


Post ep: The Price We Pay

by BlackBandana



Category: Berena - Fandom, Holby City
Genre: F/F, The Price We Pay, What Happened Next, post ep, s19e21
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-03-05
Packaged: 2018-09-28 10:54:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10095122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackBandana/pseuds/BlackBandana
Summary: Post ep: the price we pay. What happened next.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So it seems with every new episode I have to rewrite the ending because I'm not satisfied with what's on screen. I'm ok with that :)
> 
> As always, be gentle - I'm no writer.

It had been a difficult week. Every week was difficult these days. Bernie had hoped that after the breakthrough in their office when Serena had agreed to see a professional and they'd gone home together that that would be the start of a thawing between them. But although she'd stayed that night, had held her partner close all night and into the morning, she hadn't been permitted to stay over again since as Serena wrestled with her own feelings and pushed back against anyone who offered support or worse, pity. She'd had to resort to keeping an eye on her from a distance, at work, but even that was proving proving difficult as their work piled up and Serena insisted on burying herself in mentoring Dr Burrows. 

It was by chance that she had witnessed her partner's meltdown on the ward that afternoon, rushing back from a consult in the ED to be confronted by Serena screeching at Jasmine about how and why she was still alive when her daughter Elinor wasn't. Bernie's heart broke all over again for the brunette and how difficult she was finding it all. She was bound to, of course. Grief is never easy even when it's expected and perhaps considered a blessing. The sudden loss of a child is just not how it's meant to be, and there is no rhyme or reason that can be gleaned from Elinor's tragic death that could ever hope to offer comfort or solace to her grieving Mother. She knew Serena was still so full of grief and pain and anger at the whole situation that her behaviour and emotions were understandably all over the place, but she wished more than anything that Serena would allow herself to break down in front of her. She wished she'd been on the receiving end of her partner's meltdown, because even though she wouldn't have known what to say at all, she could have steered her away from gawping eyes on the ward into the privacy of their office, and she could have wrapped her arms around her and held her while she let it out. She so desperately wanted to just hold her.

After the afternoons events, her increasing feeling of being powerless to do anything of any use to help, and still being kept at arms length by Serena despite the apparent breakthrough only a week before, Bernie resolved to take matters in to her own hands that evening. 

She leant up against Serena's car by the drivers door and watched as the crowds of day shift staff left the building. She saw Jasmine talking to the boys by the corner and hoped the afternoons events wouldn't play too heavily on her mind. She remained leaning on the car door as her eyes followed the familiar fluffy hat out of the doors, and observed the brief interaction between her co-lead and F1. They seemed amicable, which was obviously a good thing and was proof that everyone was trying to make allowances for Serena's uncharacteristic, grief-fuelled behaviour. 

Serena made her way slowly across the car park, eyes cast down to the ground as she was lost in her thoughts. She didn't notice Bernie stood there until she got her keys out of her pocket to open the door. 

"Bernie..." she almost whispered, jolted out of her ruminations by the unexpected presence of her partner stood before her. 

The blonde took a deep breath, unsure how what she was going to say would be received. 

"I know...you need your space, Serena, but I just...can I come over tonight? Please?" Bernie took a deep breath and held it while she scrutinized the brunettes face for evidence of emotions she was trying desperately to hide.

Serena looked up and locked eyes with her partner, and what she saw there was such a look of care, of concern, of adoration that it took her breath away. In the absolute devastation of losing her daughter and the aftermath of returning to work and everything that entailed she had almost forgotten the intensity of the feelings between them and it suddenly hit her all over again, that feeling she first recognised on the cold hard floor of theatre 1 after the two of them had saved Fletch's life, the feeling of being completely and utterly loved and adored. It clenched at her heart like a vice, tightening her chest and forcing unwanted tears to gather in the corners of her eyes. 

She didn't trust her voice not to break if she tried to speak, so she just smiled a tiny tight lipped smile and dropped her eyes to her keys, pressing the unlock button and waiting for the car to 'beep beep' to indicate it was open. 

Bernie stepped to one side and opened the drivers door so Serena could get in, but instead she held out her keys towards the blonde, a silent gesture of agreement that she could come over that evening and that she'd have to drive them both home together. 

The journey home was quiet but comfortable. Bernie was never one for being chatty in the car, preferring to concentrate on the road and what was going on around her. In the past Serena had been the one to initiate conversations that might be awkward or difficult, so without Serena to take the lead they remained quiet until they reached their destination. 

Bernie pulled up along the curb outside Serena's house and turned the ignition off. She glanced up at the house and noticed there were no lights on. 

"Jason...?" She enquired, it was only just gone 7 so much too early for him to have gone to bed already. 

"Alan's night" Serena managed to reply, staring in to the darkness in front of the car. 

"Come on then." Bernie prompted as she opened her door and climbed out of the car shutting the door behind her. She looked around expecting to hear the other door shut but, no movement. She walked round to the passenger side and, opening the door, she crouched down next to Serena. She reached over, placed her hand over Serena's hands which were clasped in her lap and squeezed gently. 

Serena cleared her throat quietly and found her voice croaky. "I didn't mean it." She mumbled, still staring ahead at nothing. 

Bernie cocked her head to one side in question. 

"Jasmine. I didn't mean any of it. Not...not really." she continued. "It's not her fault."

Bernie squeezed her hands again and stood up. 

"Shall we...go...inside...?" She really didn't feel comfortable with conversations like this. She was so far out of her comfort zone she didn't even know how to start bluffing her way through, but she knew that Serena needed her, needed her to be there to listen, and she knew deep down she was willing to do whatever was needed. She remembered when she returned from the Ukraine how she'd promised Serena that she'd changed, and she realised now that she'd have to start putting her words into action. She withdrew her hand and stepped back, leaving space for Serena to get out. 

They walked up the pathway to the front door, Serena opening it and walking through into the hallway while Bernie closed the door behind them and dropped the latch. They hadn't spent much time in each others homes yet, but there was an ease between them domestically that mirrored their professional relationship. The fluidity of their actions in theatre continued into their home life, one making tea while the other made toast in much the same way one held the suction while the other stitched to stop a bleed in theatre. It was comfortable and familiar despite its newness. 

Bernie removed her shoes and left them beside the ones Serena had kicked off, hung her coat up on top of the brunette's and padded through to the kitchen where she found Serena stood at the sink, leaning on the edge of the worktop with her hands and staring silently into space again. Bernie left her to her thoughts, moving quietly around her to fill the kettle up and drop 2 tea bags into the tea pot. She always defaulted to practical things whenever faced with emotional situations. A glass of water, a cup of tea... this was Bernie's language of care, of saying I love you and I'm here for you without actually having to use spoken words. 

She pottered around the kitchen, collecting cups from the cupboard, milk from the fridge and a teaspoon from the cutlery drawer. When the kettle had boiled she filled the tea pot then carefully transferred everything to a tray and carried it through to the living room, setting it down on the coffee table in the middle and perching on the edge of the sofa. She looked over at Serena, still at the sink, and picked at her fingers as she worried about what she should do next. 

There seemed to be such a distance between them these days, and she didn't know how or where to start trying to cross it. She desperately wanted Serena to know how much she loved her and was there for her, but she just couldn't blurt it out. Not now. Not like this. If only she hasn't done a runner to Ukraine, if only they'd got together a little earlier so that they'd have that little more shared history to fall back on. If only. The fact that they'd only been together a few weeks just complicated things because they hadn't even started to explore the feelings they had for each other. They knew there was an attraction (an undeniable sexual chemistry) and they knew they wanted to be together and had spent pretty much every waking moment together up to and including Christmas. But they didn't know each other inside out yet, they weren't aware of each others little foibles or the quirks of their ways of coping with stress and tough times. Of course, everyone knew Serena enjoyed a bottle of Shiraz and Bernie would run away given half a chance, those were often joked about traits between them. But Bernie didn't know how, when there was something on her mind, Serena would sit on the edge of her bed and watch the tealight on her bedside table, hypnotised by the flickering and fluttering of its flame, only allowing herself to lay down and attempt sleep when the flame went out. Nor did Serena know that when Bernie was struggling with something she would stand outside the back door in the dead of night, bare feet on the patio slabs, willing her feelings to numb along with her feet. It was the little things they didn't know yet, and now wasn't the time to be relaxing in each others company and learning all the little nuances that were individual to them. They'd have to just make it up as they went along, and hope for the best.

She wanted to encourage Serena to open up and talk to her, to share what she'd spoken about in her counselling appointments, what was going through her head, but she just didn't know how. She didn't really feel like she had any right to ask. She'd never been faced with anything like this before, having to watch the person she loved so deeply deal with such agonising pain and being completely unable to do, say or offer any kind of comfort. She was floundering, but she remembered what she said last week and she definitely still meant it. She didn't want them to fall apart. 

Bernie got up and slowly walked across the living room, in to the kitchen and around the farmhouse table. She made sure to scuff her feet a little and purposely nudged a chair on her way past so as not to startle Serena. When she reached the sink and was stood beside Serena, she put her hand on the worktop beside the brunettes to alert her to her presence and then stopped. She didn't move, all she could hear was her heart pounding in her ears. Neither of them moved or said a word. She took a deep breath and another step to the side and placed her hands gently on her lovers hips from behind, not wanting to do too much or be too close in case it wasn't what Serena wanted or needed. She felt the brunette exhale, and though she still didn't move her body, she did drop her chin slightly and her breathing deepened. Bernie took this as a good sign and stepped forward, closing the gap between them to nothing and resting her chin on Serena's shoulder. When she felt the brunette soften and lean back into her slightly, she slowly moved her hands forward, wrapping her arms gently around her waist. Serena exhaled forcefully and couldn't help but melt into Bernie's arms as the feeling of being enveloped in love overcame her. As she allowed her chin to drop down to her chest, a single tear escaped from her eye and dripped straight down onto Bernie's wrist, who, as she realised what it was, tightened her embrace even more. 

Neither of them were aware of how long they remained there together, standing together, breathing together, Bernie holding Serena as if wrapping her in her arms would somehow stop her from falling to pieces. 

"Tea'll be going cold." Bernie whispered into Serena's shoulder, needing to say something but steering clear of anything too meaningful. 

"I know" Serena replied in a matching whisper, but still making no effort to move. She suddenly let go of the worktop and instead wrapped her arms around herself, covering Bernie's arms. She took a deep breath that made her shudder on it's way back out.

"This is so hard!" She managed to get the words out before as her voice broke again and more tears spilled from her eyes. She looked up to the ceiling in an effort to stop them running freely down her face, but it wasn't working. There was no stopping the tears once they started, so she spun round on the spot and buried her face into Bernie's neck, tucking her arms in between them like a child and grasping at the front of Bernie's blouse. 

Bernie just stood there and continued to hold her partner close to her. She didn't know what to say, didn't have the words to offer verbal comfort, all she could do was hold her, listen to her and be a physical comfort, a physical presence whenever she was needed. She gently pressed a kiss to Serena's temple and rested her lips there, one arm stroking soothing patterns across the brunette's shoulders while the other held steadfastly tight around her waist as she monitored Serena's breathing, watching for signs her sobbing was lessening and she was starting to calm down a bit. 

When she eventually ran out of tears Serena swiped at her face, trying to wipe away her tears with the back of her hands but Bernie grabbed them and tugged her across the kitchen behind her, settling them both down on the edge of the settee. 

"I-I know I'm rubbish at this sort of thing, but I am so, so proud of you Serena."

Serena went to dismiss Bernie's words but stopped as the blonde continued talking. 

"No, no you have come so far... even since last week. You've stopped drinking, you're seeing a counsellor... you've let me in...a little bit. I couldn't be more proud of you and... and..." She faltered, always finding this part difficult and not knowing whether now was the right time.

"...and?" Serena prompted, bless her for knowing and understanding, even in the midst of her grief, just how hard Bernie was finding this too and how hard she was trying. 

"And...I...I couldn't love you any more" it came out stuttered and stammered but she'd finally said it. It wasn't flowers and roses, it wasn't a candle lit dinner at their favourite Italian restaurant, but it was meant and it was necessary and she'd needed to say it just as much as she'd needed Serena to hear it. 

"Oh Bernie" the brunette reached over and traced her finger tips across the cheek of her partner. "I do love you too. I know I don't show it... c-can't show it...right now...but it's still there even if I'm not saying it. I couldn't do this without you. I need you."

Bernie leant forwards and pressed a soft kiss on Serena's forehead then rested her own forehead there. They closed their eyes, wrapped their arms around each other and slowly leaned sideways against the back of the settee, content to have reaffirmed their feelings, to be back in each others arms where they belonged. The tea in the tea pot remained long forgotten.


End file.
